Why I Quit Taking My Meds—and Why I’m Back on Them Now

⚠️ Content Warning:
This post discusses mental health, psychiatric medication, and experiences with bipolar disorder, including references to mania and depressive lows. If you’re in a fragile state or easily triggered by these subjects, please take care while reading.
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I’m going to start by taking the coward’s way out—because the truth is, I don’t have one moment I can point to when I decided, definitively, to stop taking my meds.

It didn’t hit like lightning.
It wasn’t a bold act of rebellion.
It wasn’t even one of those “I’m feeling great, maybe I don’t need these anymore” decisions that so many of us have made and regretted.

Instead, it was slower. Sloppier. A series of moments I didn’t take seriously.

“Oh well, I missed today. I’ll get back on tomorrow.”
“Whoops, forgot my night meds again.”
“I got too busy with the day to stop and take the morning ones, too.”

And by the time I realized it had been days, I was already on fire.

That’s the thing about mania—it can feel like lightning.
In a world where my brain constantly hyper-focuses on the negative, that kind of brightness is intoxicating. Euphoric. Even holy. It’s like being let out of a prison into sunlight. And once I’m there, once I feel that way, it’s incredibly hard to say,
“Okay, time to pull the emergency brake and jump off this speeding train.”

Because life feels duller on my meds.
The colors are less bright.
The edges softened. The drive quieter.

But those meds—those goddamn dulling agents—also keep me from crashing. And when I crash, the lows go so low. Not moody low. Not “need a nap” low.
I’m talking “can’t find a reason to exist” low.

I’m back on my meds now.
Getting a bit more centered.
Still tired. Still frustrated.
Still trying to convince myself not to take it all personally when the world is a flaming shit show.

But I’m clinging to peace.
Grasping for gratitude.
Trying, always, to weather the storm.

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💬 If you’re struggling, you’re not alone.

Here are some resources that might help:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): Call or text 988
  (Free, confidential support 24/7)
• NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
  https://nami.org/help
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
  (U.S., U.K., Canada – connects you with a crisis counselor)
• Find a Therapist: https://www.psychologytoday.com
  Search by insurance, location, and specialty